In the process of getting his pilot’s license, my husband had to get an FAA physical. Turns out he has high blood pressure and they would fail him unless he brought it within normal range within 2 weeks. The first time they checked it he was 183/131 – I’m surprised his head didn’t pop off.

Anyway he really wants to fly so some lifestyle changes were in order. He now works out every day at the free gym in his office building which spouses are not allowed in. Meanwhile, I just keep getting fatter - so far I have ballooned up to a size 2 and the 4’s can hear the ticking on my high heels catching up fast. I make him a veggie tray to bring to snack on and usually I forget the night before, so I have to wash & slice in a frenzy in my bathrobe in the morning. And worst of all, he switched us to ½ decaf coffee. It’s killing me.

Today was day 2 of the caffeine headache which, come to find out, a nap does NOT remedy. When Mr. Shrewiffer got home from work I asked him to pleeeease take me to Starbucks, which is the closest thing to our house (of frickin course), so we sing-songed who wants to go for a ride in the car? and hopped in my Jeep with the two dogs so they could stick their adorable little heads out the window in the drive-thru and get those free generic milkbones. We got my drink and my husbands change and ….nothing. So he asked the kid if they had any dog biscuits back there and we were told “We’re not allowed to give those out anymore, they are a health code violation.” Uh-huh, right. Whatever. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the differnence in ingredients between dog biscuits and biscotti would be what exactly?  My interpretation is that somewhere in Seattle they had a meeting and determined that the company could save $341,466 a year by eliminating client goodwill. You have to admire the cojones of a company that would deliberately piss off it’s customers in this economy. Wow.

I tend to shy away from male authors because of their flawed portrayal of women. It isn’t their fault, really. They just don’t get it. In suspense or mystery books females often are either terrorized, jumpy weaklings in need of rescue by the man who is attracted to their full breasts, perfect body and long red, black or blond hair. There is little room for brunette and none for grey – although a quick look around any public place will tell you otherwise. The other option is the bad-ass, tomboy with the insatiable sexual appetite who works as a team to catch the baddie with the strong, lantern-jawed hero who is attracted to their full breasts, perfect body and long red, black or blond hair which was worn up in the beginning of the book only to cascade down later as sparks fly.

Female authors can also pose a danger if they are overly romantic or lean toward bodice ripping. Not to mention the unplanned pregnancy from the nights of unprotected passion between people who just met 6 days ago and everyone is thrilled shitless about the pending bundle of joy. In the past decade or so there has been more and more women who write books that have that ring of authenticity. The lead characters who have more complicated relationships with their friends and family and may have multiples crushes. They might have a muffin top to hide and they might accidentally shoot their upright vacuum cleaner when they wake up in the middle of the night to see a shadowy figure lurking in the hall. (actually that was me – thankfully I didn’t shoot, waited for it to make the first move – this is a good reason to get Lasik, come to think of it.) They also might look over at the end of the book and think that the paunchy, balding, middle-aged guy that helps them out no matter what is kind of cute.

No matter what weird things people do they are never the first one to think of it. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. One (out of approximately 157) eccentric habits I have is that when I get an idea I go ahead and look into it regardless of the feasibility. Like the Mediterranean cruise I have decided we should take. I will be pleasantly surprised if we can actually come up with the money for the fare but more importantly my husband is that guy who refuses to take time off work. Somehow an important project is always either looming or supposed to launch. It sucks.

Anyway, I blithely started looking to see what was out there and found one that really appealed to me. It was 10 days starting in Barcelona and dumping off in Lisbon. Perfect. Most of them are actually longer and the chances of Mr. Shrewiffer taking that much vacation time dwindles incrementally. I chose Oceania Cruise Line because the ships are smaller. In the past I have gone mostly on Royal Caribbean which is great but not what I was looking for on this one. I tend to not want to leave the comforts of a RCL ship and if we went to Europe I really should get off the boat.

I checked the website of the carrier. The site comes with James, the talking butler. The Veranda Stateroom was $3899 pp with a cryptic notice that certain cities offered Free Airfare but no way of finding out what those cities are without calling and speaking to someone. Yahoo Travel had the same thing for $3799. I thought about racking up some points on my American Express until their quote came to $6299 (wth?). Anyway, we don’t have that much cash or gold bullion laying around. If only I would spend my time trying to make money instead of searching out ways to spend large hunks of it…

The days of working somewhere and retiring with a pension for life are pretty much gone. 401K is meant to take the place and people get the opportunity to choose how much money to put in. Assuming, of course, that their employer offers it. My previous job did have a program that they were shouting and touting from the rooftops “We offer matching!”. Which was as close to an outright lie as you can get without having your pants sued off. What they had was they would match 10% of what you put in until you were contributing more than 3% of your own salary, then no additional. Also, the vesting period was 6 years. By nature of the industry, they were in no real danger of ever having to contribute anything toward an employee’s retirement. Keep in mind, we were all on salary and expected to work overtime for free to display that we were team players if we wanted to remain employed. I participated anyway because I had a deadline to do a rollover from the job before that which also did not match. So I have a whopping $1600 or so which needs to be rolled yet again.

I also need to find a place to put the self-directed 401k set up for my husband’s side work. I researched it some today and will be at it tomorrow morning as well. As frustrating as it seems I know deep down that I never would have lasted 30 years at the wastewater company anyway. So here is where I get discouraged. If my husband and retire and have 3 meals per day at $5 apiece each, we would spend $30 per day on food alone. In 20 years we would need $219,000. Now, he may kick off early and I would get his lunch money but the chances that I will be dead by 85 aren’t real great. My moderate drinking, cigar chewing, great uncle just died in November and he was 95. And he was a guy. I’m pretty sure I’m cranking until 120. This could get dicey.

There are deals to be had, and I have found that the best way to scoop them up is to go shopping – a lot. That way, if you see something you want, you can keep an eye on it and watch the sizes. So, if something is 40% off and you have your heart on waiting for the clearance at 75%, you can make a decision. ie. If there are 10 items in your size, wait, if 1, snatch! I haven’t been able to shop as often as I want to because I have been spending a lot of time in bed. That last job really exhausted me, but I am on the upswing now and I went out yesterday, coupons in hand. Ah, coupons, I also recommend using a credit card to pay for purchases so retailers will start sending you coupons in the mail. Most of them also offer email coupons, but I get so much email already, I am 689 emails behind at this point, so I decline those (except from travel sites). Here is some sage advice on using a credit card to pay for shopping: Pay it off every month, or don’t let yourself use the stuff until the payment is made and everything is paid for. I have had to do this in the past. It is very motivating.

Oooh, shoe tip: Usually the shoe on display is the smallest size they currently have. If you (like me) wear a 6 and the shoe on display would fit a tranny or Paris Hilton at size 11, they don’t have your size. The only exception is if they had only a couple of the same shoe in another color and took it off display so people would quit asking for it. So if you are willing to go with a different color, you could ask about that. This has saved me tons of time because I am pretty sure the shoe storage area has a buffet table and slot machines. Why else would it take them so long to come back from “checking”? Your new motto should be “I don’t pay full price”. The only things that never go on sale tend to get knocked off and you don’t want that cheesy crap anyway.

We saw the sign (we = I, who then pointed) as we were walking out of the convenience store for coffee. It is a great mystery of the universe that Starbucks is so wildly popular when coffee from 7-11 tastes better and is 1/3 of the price. I know people who purchase 2 large cups every day and presumably spend $2840 per year on drive through caffeine. If they went with the cheaper option it would be closer to $730 for a savings of $2110. They wouldn’t do it though because of the perceived luxury (coolness) factor. Also most of those folks smoke, so wasting money is like the air they can’t breathe anymore. This store available for franchise. That seemed like a good idea so my husband called and they sent us a packet in the mail.

Skipping the gory details, for about $190k we could own that joint. He totally wants to do it and I am more hesitant. It is the classic stereotype, man = risk taker, woman = risk avoider. Well, there is a gas station attached so obviously there would be some profit. Anyway, in order to get more details, they require an application be filled out to determine credit score and assets etc. I want to make sure I really, really want to move forward before my credit score takes a 50 point hit. Plus, I checked my husband’s wallet and he has quite a bit less than $190,000 readily available.

When the other shoe drops… I just have it too good right now. When a person survives, no more, no less, for oh, let’s say 32 years, under withering circumstances then suddenly troubles and agony fall away, it is bound to make them nervous. This is where I am at the moment. Today, for example, I went in to work and was plugging away for a couple of hours, I had scheduled myself (yes, I now make my own schedule which is too-good-to-be-true all by itself) for 7 hours but around hour 3 I didn’t feel like doing the rest of my work, so I locked up the office and went home. My boss had food poisoning from the salmon he ate the day before at a business luncheon round-table we had gone to. I had prime rib and felt great. I should write for a medical journal – I come from a long line of long-livers and we love red meat, dairy products and dessert after every meal. Anyway, when he called me I told him it was serendipity that he got sick thinking fish was better for you and he likes to order it when someone else picks up the tab because it is more expensive.

As long as I don’t go to the mall I can pay my bills and work 21 hours a week. This is actually the result of many previous years of stinky toil and diligent saving, but it still feels like a gimme. Over the years I have tried to get various co-workers, female usually, to stop a self-destructive habit and begin doing things to protect themselves and they never listened. Never. Secretly I thought, maybe I am wrong and effort is actually a waste of time but now I see it is not, it is just slow going but when you get there….wow. The Protestant work ethic works. Crazy.

Restaurant Week is upon us. Tonight’s reservations are at the Palm. My husband wants to wear a shirt and tie so I will don a dress. I have a really cute one I bought on clearance at Banana Republic in Las Vegas. I know it probably seems silly to go to the mall on vacation and then end up shopping at the same stores you have at your own local mall but the thing is I wasn’t rushed and didn’t have anything else I should be doing. No pile of laundry calling my name or friends I haven’t seen or spoken to since God was a cowboy. So I was able to take the time to flip through the racks and try things on. It was nice.

Anyway, I decided to wear minimal makeup since my hair was having behavioral issues (see November 2007 Salon-a-no-no) and was completely ready before my husband even got started. While he was wrangling his tie he looked over at me. I preened, expecting the customary “You look nice” Ohhhh Noooooo, instead, “Aren’t you going to do your hair?”

Unseasonably warm days previously would have sadly been squandered at my desk at my former job until recently. I decided to take advantage of it and ride my horse. He needs the exercise anyway. It didn’t turn out well. Despite the relatively balmy weather the ground was really muddy and he was bursting with uncharacteristic energy. He kept wanting to run and I wanted to let him. It was fun and he normally has all day to get where he’s going. Unfortunately, he was having difficulty keeping his footing in the mud and we almost went down several times so I was forced to call it a day early. He actually did flop down on his front knees twice but I was not on him at the time. By the time I got his tack off and he was safely (if a bit sulkily) back in his run, I was filthy and I stunk. I was supposed to meet my husband for lunch.

I called and asked if we could just have fast food since I didn’t want to unduly upset sit-down diners and we agreed to meet at a nearby Carl’s Junior. I arrived and waited a bit, then called him again. He hadn’t left his desk yet and said he would just run by his boss’ office to let him know he was going for lunch. I waited some more and then called again because this Carl’s takes your order and then gives you a numbered table tent to put out to have your food brought to you. I thought I could order for us and save some time. He answered and said he was almost there and his boss, whom I have never met, was with him. Dandy. The place was ½ full of construction workers and I was the dirtiest person there. On the up side, there is no way the guy thinks I am high-maintenance. Heh heh heh.

I am afraid of the cleaning lady. Well, not afraid OF her, persay, but afraid of making her mad and quitting. I need her way more than she needs us. I hate being in that position. When my husband and I first met he had a cleaning service because it cost less per hour to have someone do those things than what he could earn working during his off hours for his other clients. It made financial sense. When we got married, we discussed it and decided that his cleaning ladies shouldn’t lose their jobs just because their client got married. Right? Anyway, lo and behold, the rates were going to be raised and we ended up moving to a different service. Here’s where the trouble could be brewing in my mind, this lady speaks English. The old ones didn’t so I felt fairly confident that I wouldn’t accidentally offend them. This has historically been a major problem for me. I have encouraged many people to consider adding cleaning service because it is so great. We only have her come once a month and it is cheaper than cable (which we don’t have because we consider that a gross waste of money).

Mercifully she came today so I don’t have to worry about my spouse noticing that we paid someone to clean the house, which I am lurking around in all day since I am currently not employed, for another month. I start working part-time tomorrow, so fingers crossed….